I’ve always thought of myself as a loner. At times, the idea of being social makes me quite anxious.
I am part of that unfortunate group of adults that doesn’t make it out of that awkwardness in conversation stage. Try as I might, I rarely feel natural making conversation with people. My heart still pounds occasionally when I go to say hi to someone… and that someone isn’t a stranger. In my defense, I haven’t seen them in a while, and I feel sort of intimidated by them. Because they’re way more extroverted than me. Everyone likes them.
I thought I would stop feeling this way once I was out of school. The truth is, I still feel this way. I still feel that way. Like people take a look at me and are making harsh judgements. This is the problem with only having yourself to talk to.
One of two things happens at times when I’m feeling socially awkward, and this has happened on dates as well as normal social situations: I’ll either get very quiet, or I’ll have verbal diarrhea. Either way, sometimes these people never talk to me again. Can I blame them? If I was talking to me in that former scenario, I would think I was snobbish. In the latter situation, I’d be sitting there like “ooh… someone put this girl out of her misery!”
Sometimes I don’t like the idea of making small talk when I would much rather want to discuss something a little more meaningful, or at least the random things that are on my mind without seeming insane. Other times, I’m just afraid that I’ll start talking about something that will bore the other person to death! It would be nice if I didn’t care at all.
In other cases, it really has nothing to do with being afraid of sounding or looking awkward and stupid. To be quite honest, I just like to stay to myself.
After a while, being around people all the time makes me tired, even more antisocial and grouchy; so I like hiding away for some much-needed solitude. I also like going places alone, which might set me apart from other more introverted folk. Introverted people are often seen as homebodies, but this isn’t the case for me. I actually hate staying at home. If I stay at home too long, I turn into Mr. Hyde and am ready to break the walls down just to be out of the house.
Sometimes I wonder if my being introverted comes from not knowing just whom I can trust. I’ve been on the side of the spectrum where you trust everyone, and also on the side when you don’t trust anyone. Neither is good. At the end of the day, though, you need to trust someone. If you end up being right to trust them, you’re good. If you were wrong, worst case scenario, you end up chopped up in someone’s basement.
maybe I should stay to myself…
No, no. I can’t stay to myself completely. I can tell you from experience that this isn’t a healthy thing. Eventually, you end up like this:
Does this mean being introverted is a bad thing? Absolutely not! It doesn’t make you inferior to someone that is more of an extrovert than you are. Love it and embrace it, but find a balance. This way, it will keep you from being, well, one flew over the cuckoo’s nest.
Or two, for that matter.