For some time, I thought I wanted to be someone else. If you had asked my middle school self, or even my self a little over 5 years ago, I probably would’ve wanted to be someone else. However, some things have changed. I’ve decided the only person I want to be is… well, me.
I may not be where I think I should be at 29. At 25, I wanted to be married, and by now, I wanted to have 2 children, or at least have one and another on the way. None of this has happened as of yet, and it left me feeling like a failure. It also didn’t help to see many of my friends getting married and having children left and right… and having stable careers or careers that they liked. While I haven’t “achieved” the whole “starting a family” thing, I did get to do some things that are just as awesome.
Up to this point, I have:
- been to France twice, been to Italy, Jamaica and Canada
- gone parasailing
- interned in Walt Disney World for a summer
- went to cooking school for 2 years. this is how I ended up going to France the second time around.
- managed to hold down a job for 4-1/2 years
- experienced being in a photo shoot
- performed at a showcase and convention
- landed a part in a play (where I got to work with someone from Double Dare. Fricken awesome!)
- managed to become fluent in French
- sang back up in a friend’s band
- experienced a couple of new favourite eating places, thanks to Groupon
- took myself on a smashing date at the art museum
- took a couple of circus arts classes (I can do a couple of basic tricks in trapeze, rope and silks)
- learned to hoop dance with little more than DVDs, a hula hoop and youtube
I’m sure there’s other things that I’m forgetting as well, but those are the big things that I remember doing. Some of the things that I did on a regular basis (once I had a ride and more money) were: go into the city a lot, frequent coffeehouses to watch the open mic nights, chill out at Starbucks, and cook… and more recently, started keeping a blog and a Facebook page, and got a small following on Twitter.
Why was it important for me to list all of this stuff? Well, in doing all of these things, I discovered something… well, someone: I discovered the real me. Because of a variety of factors–lack of money, lack of transportation, fear of man’s approval, no one to go with at times (I’m all about riding solo, to my mom’s horror)–I haven’t gotten to do some things that I’ve been interested in. When you do things that catch your attention, I’ve discovered that it unfolds parts of your personality that you may not have discovered otherwise. In other words, you may not have developed into your best person.
Since I’ve done these things and discovered new favourite things to do, I’ve found out that I’m a far cry from the person that I think I am. My mortal fear is being boring, and I was afraid that I was. I act shy even though I’m not, much to my frustration, and I never speak my mind. When I did the things that I was doing, I was that me that I knew I always could be. She’s confident, groovy, adventurous… and not scared of anything. If she is scared, she does it anyway. I also dove into my lust for adventure and performing in some of the things I’ve thrown myself into. Performing and acting is something I’ve always wanted to do, and I’ve found that I do have some potential there. When I’m on a stage, the real me is set free somehow. I’d like to be more like that girl more often.
My conclusion is, well, I’m a pretty swell gal. I’m glad I discovered the me I want to be, and not the me that people think I should be. Having said that, I would like to keep her around. Now that I know, I’m never letting her go. I don’t care what anyone says or how crazy I look; this outgoing performer-flower child-granola girl-gypsy within me needs to be let loose. She’s fun… and I’d love to get to know her more.
and by her, I mean me. Thanks for the offer, but I’d rather not be anyone else. If I am to be someone else, I want to trade being the version of me I am to please people for this truer version of me. I feel like I’m more suited to be the real me.
“Live right now, just be yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.”
~Jimmy Eat World, The Middle.