Three little words with a loaded meaning.
Last time I heard these words was 2 months ago (well, 2-1/2 months ago now), when I was whisked away to train for what is now my current occupation. Everything happened so quickly that I barely had a moment to breathe. Well-meaning colleagues saying “keep in touch”, and “don’t be a stranger” are the last words that I remember.
This has always been hard for me, even before I got this job. Between being introverted and having a weird phone phobia, it’s a struggle. Yes, I dread talking on the phone, even with people that I like and have known for years. I was in my mid 20s before I felt comfortable placing a food order over the telephone. Walking into the store? Solid. Talking on the phone? Cue the mini panic attack. Even with good friends, it’s always been like this. Although I love it when I do get a chance to have a long chat with a dear friend, it’s also exhausting because of the phone angst I had before the intended party picked up the receiver. Even in my teens, I hated being on the phone.
I’ve never openly talked about this before; am I the only one that feels this way?
Certainly the weird relationship I have with phones has been mentioned in passing, but it’s been hard to articulate just why I feel like that… so it’s been a subject that is generally pushed to the back burner. My way of making it clear that I don’t like phone conversation is just to not answer or not be attached to my phone like most. This, however, isn’t the best way of addressing said issue.
It’s not that I don’t think about the people that I care about and have become attached to often; it takes effort to practice the meaning behind the phrase.
Like most people, I get lazy with it… and realize that I’ve been using my job as an excuse to be slightly disconnected. I think it’s also difficult to convey just how draining the work is physically and mentally. I’ll sleep long, have energy for a couple of hours, then have a sudden drop and nearly dislocate my jaw from yawning. Yesterday, my mom had to drive me home from Nana’s because I suddenly grew fatigued. Because she was a nurse, the hours she kept runs parallel to the way I work; she currently understands me best. How she felt and what she experienced is similar to what I’m going through now; it’s a blessing to have someone that gets it.
This is another reason that keeping up with anyone is hard; sometimes it’s physically not possible. I want to avoid being a grouch because I suddenly got tired. My friends and loved ones deserve to see me when I have the energy to interact.
I’m not saying this to fish for sympathy or make excuses; it just needed to be said in the hopes that no one will be offended by my lack of communication. There are a couple of things working against me, but I want to work through it.
Please don’t think I don’t love you if you don’t hear from me; when I get home, I sleep for about 1-1/2 days. For the other 1-1/2 days, preparation to go out again is in full effect. That means: laundry, preparing food, budget planning, napping in between, and making sure my family sees my face. Even though I live with them, I don’t see them much these days.
Who would’ve thought putting 3 words in motion would be so difficult? Though it be trying, I owe it to those I love to do my best.