If We Were Having Coffee…

I’d tell you that I’m scared. Of everything.

Mostly, I’m scared of not becoming the person that I could be. I don’t know if I got this idea from other people’s ideas of me that were forced upon me… or because of the responsibilities that currently encumber me. I feel like I get really close to becoming my best person, only for something to hold me back. I guess I’m afraid of disappointing myself.

I’m also a little stressed out. I’ve been wanting to find my own place, but the enormity of it is overwhelming. Mostly, I become like a child that gets board stiff when something scares them… so they do nothing. I do nothing. Doing nothing doesn’t fix it, but at least I feel like I can breathe and move again.

I wish someone had prepared me for adulthood. I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near being an adult. From the mundane to the truly catastrophic things that can happen, becoming a hermit looks better with each passing day.

One day I might sell everything I own and disappear. It’s terrible, but it feels like the easiest thing to do. My life is a mess, and I don’t know how to fix it.


9 thoughts on “If We Were Having Coffee…

  1. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way, but I do totally understand it! Almost daily I can’t handle the fear or pressure of life so running away or doing nothing is the only safe feeling option. I hope that you can get past this stage and release the fear though, as often the reality is never as bad as our own fears of it. 😉 haha this coming from somebody who recently didn’t attend an interview because its was in a group and speeches were required… but all the same, I wish I had have gone anyway.

    • In a way, I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels a little crazy or afraid. I’m hoping to get past it also. I’m trying to find ways to afford to see a counselor because I think that might help.

      • Yeah definitely! I’m going to follow your blog too, interested to see how you get on, if you do find ways of dealing with it feel free to post some tips?

      • I definitely will. I intend to post a little more about what’s been going on after all is said and done, but I need to see how things will pan out before I go posting stuff.

  2. Hi, Rachel: I’m a bazillion years old, and I still don’t feel I’m anywhere near being an adult. I can relate to some of what you say. I’d love to start throwing my life lessons your way, but (a) you didn’t ask; (b) they’re lessons for my life, not yours, and (c) you are busy learning the lessons for your own life each and every day. Being an “adult” is highly overrated. Being you is more than enough.

  3. I definitely relate to the urge to runaway. Frankly, my children are the only thing that have prevented me from doing so. My children have prevented me from doing a lot of things, and that’s probably as much a good thing as it is a bad thing. BUT…I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    As for being an adult…it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. What a trap that was.

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