Stream of Consciousness

I am sooo sleepy! I ate a few pieces of homemade French toast that was soaked in half & half instead of milk. I had it hanging around, and wanted to use it before it went bad. I didn’t plan to make another quiche, so why not use it on french toast?

Now, a good 6 pieces later, sleepiness is gnawing at my body, and beckoning me to lie down and nap. It’s too late to do this, however. It’s after 19:00, and I am on-call for work early tomorrow morning. I have to get sleep tonight.

I’ve been slacking on being ready for my on-call days. When I first started, I was so diligent with this. The last day of my string of days off was used gathering food, doing laundry, and otherwise preparing myself to leave (or not) for the next 5 days. I don’t always get called, though. I find myself wishing that I don’t at times so that I can rest longer, and do those things that I should’ve done on my last day off. It’s a bit of a paradox: I want to stay home sometimes, but I need the money. No calls=small paycheck=tight budget.

Although I have few bills, they are heavy hitters to a budget as small as mine. Moving away from home is looking impossible with these pitiful hours that I’ve been getting. When I first started out, I was flying more and, therefore, getting paid more as a result. Now… I haven’t had a 4-day trip in months. I was given one recently, only for the original person to pick the trip back up. So there I was again. Not working enough and not earning enough money. I have a side hustle, but I lack the energy to do it. It’s not awful, but it yields so little. Using up the gas doesn’t seem worth it; it was futility at its finest. Sometimes I earn the gas money back, and sometimes I don’t.

I try to remain grateful, however. To make what I earn at this job on my last job would’ve required me to work 4x as hard. It would’ve been misery and torture; no one’s body would be able to withstand that kind of hard, brutal work day in and day out. Some people do it; I can’t even begin to imagine how.

I can’t help it that I want things, though. Things that will make my life a little bit easier, and grant me a small feeling of accomplishment and independence. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? I’d also like to pay off debts faster than I am currently. Let’s be honest; I made some costly mistakes, and I’d like to correct those. On my current earnings, however, things are not progressing as quickly as I would prefer them to. A little extra cash would certainly aid in expediting the “paying it off” process. It would be beautiful! Of course, recreation would be a lovely thing also; however, let’s just start with paying off some bills.

The ones I want to pay off aren’t even that expensive; it’s just that with the current cash flow, paying off even the small bills is becoming out-of-reach. The income tax check helped with that (it went ENTIRELY towards old debts, one of which got paid off. Having a bank account on E after that was worth it to have paid something off).

I hate to talk about money so much, but it’s all that has been on my mind lately. If I was spending money on frivolous things, I could understand why I’m lacking… but it’s not something I do regularly. I check my bank statements about every other month to see where I could cut back, and I fail to see where I’m spending too much. I even manage to know where every dime has gone when looking at debits on the statement, even if it was last month.

What am I missing? Where am I going wrong?

Sure, I could use more money and get a better job. Trust me, it’s not as easy as it sounds. But I am looking. And looking. And hoping that I can find something that I love as much as this. It’s my favourite job so far, and part of me is worried that I won’t find anything else that I like nearly as much.

After working a job like mine, what else could ever compare to it?

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