Highs and Lows

If we were having coffee today, I’d be sitting at Starbucks with a java chip frappuccino today experiencing a lot of feels. I also realized that I haven’t the slightest idea as to how “frappuccino” should be spelled (you should’ve seen how many times I typed it before I caved and looked at the menu. It turns out that I spelled it right the first time around).

I’m sorry that I’ve avoided writing one of these lately… it’s just that I had wanted to record them. I recorded a few of them, and fell off of it a bit. Either way, I want to stay connected, and I regret not keeping you posted.

To be honest, I haven’t fully gotten “used to” not living at home anymore, and I still feel like I suck at being an adult. My bank account’s been negative for months, work hasn’t picked up yet, and it feels like no matter how much I work, I’m not getting anywhere. The only thing I’ve managed to overcome was my fear of talking to people about my money situation. It’s embarrassing, frustrating and humiliating, but people have been mostly supportive and as helpful as they can be. It still sucks though. The only good thing that will come out of suffering the summertime swell is that I should finally have a bank account that isn’t negative. I still must endure another 2 months before that happens, but I’ve still managed to somehow enjoy myself. Yes, I don’t have money, but most of the things I’ve needed have been met. The Lord has been looking out for me in that regard.

I just wish I felt more capable as it pertains to “properly adulting”, but since I haven’t found a good sugar daddy yet, it looks like I’m stuck on the grind. (Kidding. I’m not looking).

On the flip side of things, I’m getting to deal with things that have hurt me in the past. I’m realizing that up to now, a lot of what I’ve experienced has caused me not to like myself much at all. I’ve been finding ways to try to rectify that. In reading a lot of articles, it is suggested to focus on your good traits. This makes me seriously uncomfortable, to be honest with you… so another thing I would like to focus on is doing things I enjoy. When I’m doing something I enjoy, I am the happiest I can be. This ends up translating into being a more confident person. The caveat is that some of the stuff that I like and enjoy involves money, of which I have none.

Working is what we must do; however, taking time for oneself is just as necessary for your sanity and mental well-being. I feel like most of the reason I’m not enjoying living on my own as much as I could is because I’ve been so focused on stabilizing my financial situation.

Speaking of sanity and well-being, not having a boyfriend has been bothering me a lot lately. If I’m truthful, I’m still settling for some of what I want. I want to scream on the one hand, but it’s also soothing a sore spot on the other. I’m hoping that this whole journey in learning to like myself and working on healing what has been hurt for so long will help me to at least be satisfied with where I am… and before you go there with the “you’ll find someone one day, be patient, it happens when you least expect it” rhetoric, please save it. It irks my soul. I know that sounds rude, but I’ve heard it for so long that I can’t stomach hearing it anymore.

I could write a book on all the stuff people have said to me thinking they were being helpful, but I’d be disgusted by it so much that I’d burn the book. Yes, I have strong thoughts about this. Most of them end with me flipping the bird at whoever hands me that rubbish. Before you find yourself saying ANYTHING of the sort to someone that is single, ask yourself this question: Did it help you when you were single?

If the answer is no, and it made you feel like I currently do when people said it to you, bite your tongue immediately. Do it! Though I assure you that if it does slip, I’ll be glad to flip you off in an effort to point out that transgression.

Oh, and my car got stuck in the snow. Yes, stuck. I had to call a tow, which I ended up not needing because a van full of guys were able to push me out. Ever since that incident, the whole week has been up and down like that. Well, at least I can say that I haven’t been bored, but I left ride sharing alone for about a week after that.

Good things that happened this weekend are:

  • THE BAND GOT BACK TOGETHER… and by the band, I mean that I got to be with the friends that I hung out with in high school today! We haven’t been all together in years, and it was wonderful to see everyone again. I think it’s better now that we’re all matured and have experienced life a bit more.
  • I hung out with my friend A, her boyfriend and her sister. Banana pudding cake was involved. It was very good times.
  • I saw “Hidden Figures”. Great movie.
  • I was flying for 5 days straight, which has been the longest I’ve been out for months! I really missed flying. Before that, I was barely called at all. I got to hang with my crews a bit as well, one of which was a captain I flew with before and enjoy working with.
  • I finally successfully applied the right lash! I never had problems with the left, but the right one gives me a hard time. I fought with it for a good 5 minutes, but it’s on properly! That is all that matters.
  • I visited my mom and grandmother. I try to do this when I can/feel up to it, and managed to successfully do this twice this month. I know the month isn’t over, but that’s not bad! It also helps that I live close to both of them. Now I need to work on visiting my dad. We talk on the phone, but I’m overdue for a visit.
  • All my training at the gym is paying off; someone actually noticed a difference in my appearance! I knew I felt stronger and my endurance was a lot better, but I couldn’t tell whether or not I looked different. That was quite encouraging.

I’m so sorry for the long behind update, but it hasn’t all been doom and gloom. Here’s hoping that next month is better. Heck, I’d take a better next week! I’m hoping to be more balanced emotionally, mentally, financially, and that my diet will be more balanced as well.

Looks like the key word here is balance.

#weekendcoffeeshare

 

Part of what I want isn’t good enough

If we were having coffee, this is how I would start out.

I’ve been seeing someone that is only around to scratch an itch. I had a “one and done” policy on this for a while because I didn’t want to get any hopes built up because I know how I am. Well, I broke that rule and saw this person more than once. I thought I could handle it only to quickly find out that I can’t.

It’s like “true and false” statements. If part of the statement is false, then the whole statement is false. A little leaven spoils the whole lump. Likewise, having part of what you want is still not having what you want. You might as well not bother.

It’s hard to tell myself this because it resembles what I want… but it’s not. Not at all. It’s only a mere fraction.

So why am I putting up with it?

Because I’m tired.

I’m tired of being alone, tired of people trying to tell me I’ll find someone, and I’m SO tired of hearing people say “You’re so pretty”, “You’re so intriguing”, etc… yet I’m still single and feel unwanted. The worst phrase that anyone could form their mouth to say to me is “I wish I could find someone just like you.” That’s the meanest thing you could ever say, because in those words lies the undercurrent of “I don’t want you though.” No one wants you. Just the idea of you. In the form of someone else.

I’m definitely going to stop seeing the guy for my own sanity, but in case you were wondering why I let things go on for a minute… here’s some insight.

Something I have in common with the black coffee I’m enjoying is the sweet taste of bitterness. I miss my counselor, but can’t afford to see her anymore. Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling the way that I feel.

#weekendcoffeeshare

If We Were Having Coffee…

“Welcome back Marge!”, said one coworker to another on the shuttle bus this morning. She must’ve been on vacation. It briefly reminded me of the coworker at my last job that would say “Welcome to work” every time someone started a shift. 

I started that job 3 years ago. 

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that things-life circumstances, jobs, attitudes towards life-do change. 

I started my previous job this month in 2014. I left that job about a year-and-a-half later to pursue a career as a flight attendant. My life hasn’t been the same since then. 

Things that have changed:

  • I navigate airports at an insanely fast rate. 
  • I’ve become far more patient, and even compassionate. 
  • I own a car after not having had one for 2 years before getting this job. 
  • Even though I have hard days, I have a job that I actually love. Before this job, the other ones were just a paycheck. 
  • Possibly because of the above (and some other circumstances), I’ve become the healthiest that I’ve ever been mentally. 

My life has also changed outwardly because my job was better. My salary nearly doubled, I bought a car a year ago, and now I’m about to embark on one of the most exciting life events yet:

I’m moving into my very own apartment. 

After years of wanting to move, I can finally afford it and I’m ready. I sign the lease the first of next month. 

Now here I am in a new year, sitting on an aircraft before sunrise, watching passengers board as I sip on an iced red eye. I start work in Charlotte, NC today. 

So, to wrap up our early coffee date this morning, I’d say this:

If you find yourself in a stuck or unfavorable situation, be encouraged and don’t give up. Also, don’t make yourself miserable by comparing your life with someone else’s. You’ll get to where you want to be; I’m certain of it. 

I’ll be living my life in anticipation of what will happen next… and I’ll be cheering you on, waiting to see what wonderful things shall happen for you. 

Because it will happen for you. I know it. 

#weekendcoffeeshare

I Sat Next To Mushy Peas…

…which is the name of a 3-legged kitty at the Kawaii Kitty Cafe in Philadelphia. I don’t even recall how I found out we have this in PA. I’ve heard about them before and knew there was one in NYC. The concept, however, originated in Tokyo. All I know is that I was looking at #catsofinstagram, and came across a cute kitty photo that had the hashtags “kitty café” and “philly”.

“What?!” I cried out, even though no one heard. I know that was my inner cat lady. She looked up from her knitting long enough to hear that, eyes wide with surprise over her spectacles.

Yes, my inner cat lady is showing. No, I don’t care. I knew I had to pay a visit. I found out about this place at the beginning of the weekend while I was sick, and made a reservation to visit today. If you’re like me and can’t own a pet for whatever reason, here’s a good way to get your fix.

You do have to make a reservation, but it’s only $10/hr, and it’s totally worth it! I parked quite a distance away where I knew I could find cheap parking (heck, any parking at all!), but I had the time to walk down to the location and was still a good 20 minutes early. Mind you, it’s not necessary to be 20 minutes early; a good 10 minutes will do. It did, however, give me time to eat something before meeting the little darlings.

I sat on the couch in the cat lounge, next to my new found friend, Mushy Peas.


These cats have the best names ever! How can you not love cats with food names? Not all of them have food names, but the ones that do are: Princess Pizza, Bagel, and Pringle. Mushy Peas wasn’t the only handicapped kitty; there was also Lady Zombarella, who is blind. (I told you these were awesome names!).

If you tell a kitty that you’d like to take them home, guess what? You actually can! PAWS is partnered with this café, so every cat that you meet can be adopted. This café has been open since June, and nearly 60 of these lovelies have found homes! Maybe one of them will adopt you, and you can spend your days doing Netflix and chill. Cats are great for this, especially senior kitties. Older cats need love too; don’t count them out!

I wish you all could’ve met Mushy Peas. She’s a quiet cat, but loves to be petted when she warms up to you. I sat next to her when I entered, and didn’t realize she was missing a leg until she hopped down from the couch. She sat there very quietly next to me, and got a little closer when someone else sat on the couch. She ended up scampering out of sight for a while, but I got the best shot that I could when she came back.


Look at that little face!

I’m telling you. If I could, this cat would’ve been mine.

#adoptdontshop

 

The Hardest Goodbye

If we were having coffee, I’d apologize for missing last week. I was out working this weekend, and had possibly the most emotional weekend ever. 

I had only a 2-day trip this weekend, and was particularly anxious and excited about this layover. A young gentleman that I had spent some time with resides in the area. 

So I text him… only to find out that he is now dating someone. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken it as hard as I did, but it turns out that I liked him more than I cared to believe. In any event, I drank far too much wine that night because I didn’t want to deal with my feelings, and ended up crying over a children’s book early the next morning.

 I also took the liberty of texting him (while inebriated, mind you) that I was in the area. He felt badly about it, so he said, and I ended things with “Well good luck, and goodbye.”

The next morning, I see a text saying “Don’t say that.” I cried all over again. After asking him why, it started some more texting. I asked him not to contact me while he was dating someone, and he agreed to it. I couldn’t read the good bye message he left me because the tears pooled up. 

To say I was hysterical is an understatement. I think I cried harder and louder than when my grandfather died. I feel bad for anyone in other rooms that heard, but I was beyond caring. 

Of course, this happens right before I have to get ready to work, so I had to get out of bed, and pack while crying. Listening to “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child helped. 

That was my weekend, and actually, that was the short version. A workout will be much needed to lift my morale. I hope your week and weekend was much better than mine. 

#weekendcoffeeshare